And this is hard to type because 1) I don’t have any thoughts straight really and 2) I haven’t written, not to mention written about my thoughts in awhile. Figured jumping back into was good a practice as any, and maybe I can clear my head a little.
Actually, let me take my first sentence back. Life hasn’t really been all that crazy. My brain has just been in a rut. There have been a LOT of (really amazing/really tough) transitions in this last year, & I am just struggling to find myself / settle in.
*Graduated College
*Started my first full time job - as a health coach working on behavior change for a start up tech company
*Moved out of my forever home (more like forced to leave as the house was foreclosed)
*Moved into my half-brothers home
*Moved to a new city with my boyfriend
Phew. I’m just tired. It is hard to explain because I am SO happy, but I am in just a bit of a rut & worn out & not sure of my next steps.
I love my little apartment. I love my city. I love living with Jon. I love the company I work for. I love myself (!!!!). I love how much I have slowed down lately (outside of my job at least). I love how much time I have spent with friends & family.
I don’t love that we might have to move again for Jon’s job & we don’t know any details yet. I don’t love that I am struggling to settle in here because of that. I don’t love sitting down all day for my job. I don’t love not focusing properly at work. I don’t love how I have let my self care almost completely go.I don’t love that I’m not making enough money. I don’t love how I stopped my blog & all creative things. I don’t love how much time I have spent on my phone. I don’t love how I stopped organizing and planning things. I don’t love how self conscious I feel. I don’t love that I sleep too much. I don’t love that I’m not trying new things. I don’t love that I feel anxious about money all the time.
I am really happy. But this is a long period of adjustments, and I am just trying to not lose myself entirely through the process.
I’m about to graduate college in a little more than a month, and just typing that sentence makes my eyes well up with tears.
I barely made it through high school. Due to severe depression and anxiety, I missed more classes than I could even count and made it by with the help of my mother even writing a paper for me. They let me graduate, it would probably have looked bad for the school if I didn’t.
College was an exciting new time, but not exactly for the educational aspect. I started college because that was what you were supposed to do. I’m not sure I ever really had the intention that I would finish. I was just excited to be out of high school and experiment with drinking and partying and a whole new social life. I started college coming off of an eating disorder and still attempting to rid myself of self-destructive habits I had carried over from high school.
Then somewhere in between my 3-day long drinking binges and 8am classes I trudged through hungover, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Somewhere between working 3 jobs and never sleeping, and almost flunking French, my Dad died.
Looking back, I am in shock that this didn’t spiral my life down a path that I could have easily been headed down. Instead, it made me go in a completely different direction that I could not be more thankful to my inner resilience for.
“Don’t let this be an excuse to not do well in school,” he made me promise one night while we were in the hospital.
I changed my major, I saw my advisor about how behind I was due to my consistent withdrawing of classes. I eventually quit my overnight job and started to prioritize sleep and my energy. I stopped going out on Tuesdays and kept it to once on a weekend. I became in charge of a huge event that raised money towards cancer. I trained for a 5k. I studied even when it was hard. I turned down nights out when I had an 8am class or a homework assignment that was due. I saved my money and traveled to Italy with the love of my life. I spent my last semester living at home and getting mostly A’ s on my exams. And I didn’t let it be an excuse for me to not do well in school. I didn’t let it be an excuse for me to not try to do well in life.
So here we are Dad, as promised. All your days at school making sure my financial aid had gone through, and all your times driving me around to take placement tests or pick up forms didn’t go to waste.
My workouts and have been on the very slim side lately and my veggie count has been much lower than I tend to aim for. I’ve spent some spontaneous nights at my boyfriend’s house eating ice cream while watching TV with his parents. I had cheese ravioli at a big family dinner that brought me back to my memories of Italy. I’ve slept in a bit after some nights out with friends or exhausting days studying, or maybe just because I was cuddling with the love of my life and nothing seemed like it could be more important at the moment. I’ve eaten tuna and grilled cheese for a couple days straight because that was all I could be bothered to prepare. I’ve had hot chocolate with marshmallows and buttery cookies to dip on a movie night cuddled on the couch with my mom. I’ve walked when I planned on going for a run because my Aunt joined me and we spent two hours talking and laughing and crying as we walked. No, things have not been perfect. But, I have not binged once. Yes there have been days where maybe I ate two bagels in a row. But during this time there has never been an out of control all out food fest that would happen when my brain is so hard on my body. This isn’t saying I have felt 100% perfect. But I have still dressed my body and made myself feel pretty and taken myself out. I have laughed, I have eaten, and I’m sure I will go for a run soon. Yes, life gets in the way. But the harder I am on myself about it, the less likely I am to “get back on track”. There is no one perfect “track”. The track we are on is just life. What is sustainable? Balance. There are waves of life and that’s just how it goes. I am in my last semester of college, and you know what, I have had trouble waking up to workout some mornings because I have been really enjoying getting good grades on my exams, and that has been taking some extra energy out of me. Not the end of the world. I know it’s a bit of an excuse. But I know my body and I know that the more I fight against it we just wont get anymore. I will beat my brain up instead and we will collapse. We will not enjoy the relaxing or the working out, because it will all be a punishment. And I just don’t choose to do that anymore. It is a relationship here. And right now we’ve been enjoying the extra bit of ice cream and I think that’s okay.
Last night we went out with a lot of friends that included multiple couples. There was a lot of bickering and one blowout fight between some of them. During this all, I just grabbed Jon’s hand and led him to the dance floor and we danced as if it were just the two of us in that entire bar. He grabbed my face and kissed me because he knows I like that, but I think he likes it more than he will say as well :)
We then drove an hour home and just talked, and there was nothing profoundly special that stood out. But I guess this is what life is made up of, small nameless moments with the people you care about that leave you smiling and feeling cared for.
He has my entire heart. I’m not sure how I can say that I know this will be true for my whole life….but I just really do know.
The other day my mom and I were talking about snoring, and she asked me if Jon did. And I know he doesn’t really, but that made me think…I don’t see him fall asleep generally to really know. If I wake up during the night I will see him sleep, but that’s generally it. “I guess I really do always pass out first.” I thought to myself. But then the other night I was trying to fall asleep and I was having trouble and woke up to look up at him already looking at me, “go to sleep”, he whispered as he cradled my head into the soft bend of his arm. Moments later I looked up at him again and asked, “why aren’t you asleep?” And he replied that he was waiting for me to fall asleep.
He was waiting for me to fall asleep.
It felt as if he had just gently cradled my heart in his warm hands while making my entire being feel as though it would always be taken care of. Waiting for someone before you do something, before you make a decision, to get home at night, is the most simplistically extraordinary way to express such a deep level of love.
There were definitely better photos of both of us from this, but this one made me laugh, and thats really what this post is about.
I remember one of the first times we went out together when we had first met each other, he sat on a bar stool most of the night and let me do my thing and go dance. I knew he watched me with a smile the entire time, but there was no way in hell I was going to get him to join me. And that was okay, we’re actually quite different and that’s something I value in our relationship. A couple months later we were at country night at a bar, and my friends and I decided we would dance on top of the bar (and no this is not a regular occurrence) And he held my hand and escorted me to get up there and stood and watched quietly (with only shaking his head a couple times I believe 😉) but the entire time he stood by and made sure I was okay. Eventually my car dancing rubbed off on him and that’s where we now have some of our best jam sessions. Things have really come full circle by now, and I could not be more appreciative of you joining me regularly in my continuous knee wiggles and dances I do to give myself a good laugh. Thank you for the times that you did stand on the side lines and let me be myself. And thank you for the times that you have joined me and laughed along side me. Being open to laughing at ourselves together is a big part of what this life is about.
